messy feelings: entry #1

“Sorry for your loss.”
“With sympathy.”
“You’re in our prayers.”
“Let us know if you need anything.”

If you’ve ever experienced grief, you’ve probably heard these same overused phrases after a loss. While usually well intended, common grief responses can often leave grieving people feeling even more alone, emotionally exhausted, and misunderstood.

Do you ever find yourself wondering why people offer such empty, meaningless phrases during some of the worst moments of your life? Then let’s be friends.

Hi, I’m Jess, and I’m on a mission to normalize grief, emotional pain, and messy feelings so people can learn how to better support someone grieving. Our culture has trained us to avoid uncomfortable emotions, hide our struggles, and pretend we have everything under control — all while smiling through the pain. I’m here to call bullshit.

Somewhere along the way, we created emotionless responses that are supposed to bring comfort during grief and loss. But what grieving people actually need is honesty, validation, support, and real conversations.

Why Common Grief Phrases Feel So Empty

Grief already feels isolating. Generic comfort phrases can unintentionally make that loneliness feel even heavier. Most people mean well — they simply don’t know what to say to someone grieving.

But sometimes the most healing thing you can offer isn’t the “perfect” response. It’s honesty, presence, and a willingness to sit in the discomfort with someone.

“Sorry for Your Loss”

How This Can Make Someone Feel

Numb. Alone. Disconnected.

A Better Response

“This shit really sucks.”
OR
“I’ve been through something similar, and I’m always here if you want to vent or talk.”

Why This Helps

It’s relatable. It acknowledges the deeper emotions someone may be trying to hide just to survive the day. Real connection feels like a breath of fresh air when grief already feels so lonely.

“With Sympathy”

How This Can Make Someone Feel

What does “with sympathy” even mean when your world just fell apart?

A Better Response

“I honestly don’t know what to say right now, but I’m thinking about you and sending you so much love.”

Why This Helps

Honesty matters. Removing meaningless phrases and simply admitting you feel helpless can actually feel more comforting than a rehearsed response. Authenticity creates connection during painful moments.

“You’re in Our Prayers”

How This Can Make Someone Feel

Okay… but does anyone actually want to know how I’m doing?

A Better Response

“We’re at a loss for words, but we want you to know you’re not alone in this. We’re praying for brighter days ahead and thinking about you often.”

Why This Helps

Saying “you’re in our prayers” has become so automatic that it can sometimes feel emotionally distant — especially for someone who isn’t religious. Adding personal support and acknowledgment reminds grieving people they are seen, loved, and not carrying their pain alone.

“Let Us Know If You Need Anything”

How This Can Make Someone Feel

Overwhelmed. Confused. Sometimes even angry.

A Better Response

“We’d love to support you right now. Can we bring your family dinner this week? Help with groceries? Take the kids for a few hours? Stop by to help with yard work or cleaning?”

Why This Helps

When someone is grieving, their brain and body are often in survival mode. They usually don’t know what they need — let alone how to ask for it. Offering specific ways to help removes pressure and creates real support instead of vague promises.

And if the answer is “No thank you,” check in again later. Grief doesn’t disappear after the funeral ends.

What Grieving People Actually Need

Grieving in a world that never slows down can feel incredibly toxic. Life keeps moving while your entire world feels frozen.

People who are grieving don’t need perfect words. They need:

• honesty
• patience
• validation
• practical support
• space to fall apart without judgment

Sometimes support sounds like:

• “I’m here.”
• “This is unfair.”
• “You don’t have to pretend with me.”
• “I’ll sit in this with you.”

That kind of connection matters more than polished sympathy ever will.

Grief Is Messy — Let It Be

Protect your peace. Ask for what you need without guilt. Set boundaries if you need space. Say yes to help when it’s offered sincerely.

Grief is heavy enough already.

You deserve support, real conversations, and the freedom to heal in your own way — even if that healing looks messy, emotional, angry, confusing, or nothing like what the world expects.

Go let that shit out.

xo jess